Very, very bad news

They always said that any person on a ventilator, any one in the ICU is in danger of not surviving.  No matter how good they seem things can go wrong.  I knew that, I accepted that.  The fact that she was doing so well, and seemly so close to getting out of there didn't matter.  Things did go horribly wrong.  And I had to kiss my sweet sweet wife goodbye yesterday.  She passed away at noon, Monday November the 2nd.  9 months to the day after her skin removal surgery.  9 months and 2 days since she was diagnosed.  9 months and 3 days since the first symptoms.  She was literally surrounded by close friends and family when she went.

The technical stuff is a bit academic at this point but I'll at least summarize the main turn of events.  On Saturday she had some bleeding inside her trachea, probably from the tube rubbing against the trachea or something.  It stopped after several hours and since it stopped they didn't seem overly concerned.  What I didn't understand until Sunday night at the hospital when Dr Clark explained it is that apparently when you aspirate blood into your lungs the coating works as a very efficient blocker of the lung membrane's job of getting oxygen into the blood and CO2 out.  And she had very little good lung tissue to begin with. So she started having problems by mid day Sunday.  Low blood pressure, trouble with respiration.  A doctor called me at 10 or so saying he didn't think she was going to make it through the night.  I found out they were having trouble at around 6:30 but didn't realize it was that serious - or didn't accept it - until that later call.  I was shocked and felt somewhat numb.  It didn't seem like it could be real.

The thing that did it in the end was that she couldn't get rid of enough CO2 from her blood.  There were many complications, many downs, a glimpse of hope at 10:00 the next morning.  But the CO2 makes you acidotic and at some point your tissue, your organs,  your brain can't live in an acidic environment. 

They didn't think she'd make it as long as she did.  I guess it's a testament to her strength, and perhaps her well-known way of pretty much completely ignoring any opinion from any authority figure - anyone period, maybe - that doesn't fit within her own plan that she battled through until noon the next day.  I'm so grateful that she made it to that next morning because the night before had been so shocking and so sudden that few people knew about it and came beyond immediate family.  In the morning more friends were reached and were able to come.  I'm sorry for anyone that would have liked to have been there but didn't know. 

After nothing but grim predictions all night long at 10 or so in the morning her numbers actually started to improve.  CO2 numbers had been literally off the charts - clearly unsurvivable - all night but came into range at that point.  For the first time I thought she had some slim shot.  Just before noon she burst a blood vessel in a lung which bled into her chest cavity. She was so tenuous, and that pushed her over the edge.

At midnight her acid levels had been so high (PH of around 6.9) the doctor called them incompatible with life and sent a sample to a second lab for verification because he seemingly couldn't believe it.  Her CO2 levels - off the chart at the hospital - could be measured at the second lab.  Dr. Clark said they were the highest he's seen in 25 years of practice in respiratory medicine (245 or so?).  Yet her heart raced at 150 all night long, her kidneys and liver started to malfunction.  They could delay the inevitable - for a few hours he said at 4 in the morning - by artificially lowering the acidity, but her lungs had to start working for it to be sustainable.  Dr. Clark prepared me for what to expect in the end - heart failure.  Yet it soldiered on undaunted until the vessel burst around 11:30 or 11:45.  I've often suspected her heart to be the location of her secret power crystals, and so it has seemed throughout her illness. 

Yes, she felt like a super hero - during the illness and before.  But no.  She is human.  In the end could only take so much.  We were close, maybe.  But the burst vessel was too much.  And so now she rests.

We are making arrangements this afternoon with the funeral home.  A service will be set up soon and we'll post it here.  If we need anything we have all the support in the world for it and I won't hesitate to ask.  Mike and Linda have offered to take phone calls for anyone wanting to reach us and their numbers are Mike 206-778-5993 and Linda is 206-714-2508.  <Update> You can also reach Linda by email at ladanderson@gmail.com

I'm so sorry.  It should never have ended like this.  But it did.  All I can do now, other than cry a lot, is try to think, as i did for half the night, of how she was.  The way she was.  What made her so unique and so wonderful.  We are all unique people, every one fo us.  But the combination.  Who she was.  Yeah, I'm the grieving husband, but I don't think it's a stretch to say she was just on another level.  I think anyone that knew her would say so.  She had her way, and it was often very different.  And refreshing and bright and beautiful and sometimes a gigantic pain in the ass.  But she stood out so brightly and strong.  She didn't care about norms or expectations and to the extent that she adhered to them when outside her ideas found them a great annoyance.  And she loved so strongly and openly and deeply.  She loved so many and so deeply it hurt.  And you know it because she told you.  And told you exactly why.  Without hesitation.

I can't say it all here.  I would like people to write down your Sandra stories and insights.  It seems like everyone has one.  I think it will be way too much to get through at the service.  Perhaps we'll have a web site for them or something.

This morning Adriana woke and the first words out of her mouth was "mommy is the best teacher".  Last night she pointed at Sandra's pillow and said "uh-ma" and mine and said "ah-pa" (or however you are supposed to spell the Korean words for mom and dad) and said "that is my family".  I haven't told her but it's almost like she knows.  At breakfast she said "I miss mommy.  is mommy still in the hospital?"  Stunned, I luckily was able to change the subject.  I don't lie to her.  I will tell her tonight I think, and yes I have help.  She had just gone to sleep when the Dr. called Sun night and Russel came over and spent the night and next day with her.  I mention this here because I know it is on everyone's minds.  Wish me luck.  I know I have your support.  -Willem

Comments

[Jennifer Cooper]

Willem:

No words can express my condolences and how much we will all miss Sandra. You and Eunhae are in our constant thoughts. We grieve with you. You and Eunhae are so loved. I'm sure you know that. I hope that the love of your friends and family can help to see you through each day and to the next because that is what Sandra would want. She's very demanding like that, you know.

Thank you for sharing so much with all of us who could not be physically with you, Eunhae, and Sandra.

Jennifer Cooper

[Meg]

It's a sad world today. Thanks so much for your post, Willem. You and Adriana are in so many minds and hearts just now. Meg

[Tracy]

The world will be much quieter without her unique laugh, darker without her bright smile, and way less goofy without her Buddha Belly. She will be missed.

[Pat]

I am incredibly sad that Sandra is gone. What a terrible thing. I hurt for you Will and your lovely daughter and for Sandra's family and for the whole terrible thing. I am lucky to have known her. You do have our support Will. My thoughts and love and prayers are with you my friend.

[Kathy]

You do have our support, Will. You have been so amazing through this, being Sandra's advocate and supporter, and an exceptionally good father to Eunhae. You have written beautifully about who Sandra was and why she was special. She had a very big heart, and was wickedly funny, and I feel lucky to have been able to count myself among her many, many friends. Thank you.

[Shanna]

I don't know you or your family, but I am sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you all.

[allison]

I am so so sorry Willem. My heart just aches for you guys, and I can't keep the tears from spilling... She has been in my thoughts and prayers daily these past 9 mos; and she and you will continue to be... I just can't believe she's gone. Thank you so much for sharing so much with us, for letting us be a part of her fight... of your fight. If anyone was going to beat down all of those obstacles and come out on top, she would've been the one... never met anyone more stubborn, strong, passionate and dedicated ... the world has truly lost someone special.

[Jill Johnston]

Willem,
I, too, cry at Sandra's passing. While I never met her, I had followed your blog and came to feel her strength and yours and your devotion to her.

This is a time when sorrow and joy embrace: sorrow at our 'loss' (but is it, really?) and joy for Sandra's release from what had become, one could say, a faux life.

Thank God you and Eunhae had her as long as you did. What a gift she was.

You have my sincere and deeply felt condolences, Willem.

[Lonny McMichael]

Willem, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you're suffering right now. Hopefully, it's some small comfort to know you have so many people who share in your grief and are here to stand by you in this hour of need. You can definitely count me among that group--let me know if there's anything I can do.

[Karina Johnston]

Willem,

I've never met you before but my Husband Jim used to be a neighbor to your parents. I tried reading your post tonight to Jim but couldn't continue reading out loud due to the tears.
The last time we saw your father we brought our newest child over and Garrett told Jim that he was a "very rich man" as he looked at our infant daughter. We think about that all the time. I'm sure that he would say the same thing about you. There is nothing greater than the love of a spouse and child. I'm sure that your dear wife will always be with you too. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

[Brandon Allsop]

Willem,

This was the post I hoped to never see. I've followed this blog and tried keeping sync through Arie all these past months. Having recently lost my little brother, this hits pretty close to home, and yet I still cannot say I know how you feel. I can only relate in a way and wish I could do something to help ease the pain. If so, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm so very sorry. Hang in there.

[John E. Hollingsworth]

Willem,
Deeply Sorrowed by this news, knowing Sandra for so long and all the spirit she had will be very very missed. Really sorry for the loss, our thoughts are with you and your family.

[Victoria Saelee]

As many know her as Sandra, I knew her as Ms. Kim, she was my 4th grade teacher and it is terrible new to hear when i did not know about any of this going on. What I can remember from Ms. Kim was she was so full of life and energy and tought all her students the Spongebob theme song. She was a great teacher and will be truly missed! I am very sorry for your lost!

[Lele Barnett]

I can't express how sorry I am, Willem. I send all my love to you and to Adriana. You are right: Sandra was definitely on another level -- she was beautiful, loving, warm, funny, with such a caring heart. I will treasure our friendship always, the way she made me feel instantly comfortable, the way she made me laugh. She put so much love out into the world. I miss her already, but I know we'll all continue to feel her presence around us. Love to you. You have been so amazingly strong through all of this, I can't imagine how it must feel. Thank you for writing all of this for us. Love love love.

[Gale L.]

Willem,
My heart goes out to Eunhae and you.
Sandra was an amazing spirit. Her smile will be remembered.
Praying for you...

[momflee@gmail.com]

Willem, I'm Lele Barnett's mom, and I've been following the blog and praying for you for months. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and Sandra have shown great courage as you fought this battle. I pray that the love of God and your friends and family will support and sustain you and Adriana in the years to come.

[James Cooper]

Will,

I don't have the words to express how I feel. I remember the first time I met Sandra, we were all at Moe when she burst into the room and I learned you had the hots for her. I remember how impatient she was to make you hers and couldn't wait for your proposal. I remember her desire to be a teacher and a mother and share her love. I remember how great it was to see her at Thanksgiving last year and how beautiful she was.

I'm sure you're are currently overwhelmed with support and care but hope to put my arms around you on Saturday.

[Bill Hankes]

Will, I've been thinking about Sandra since I first heard the horrible news Monday night. I remember her as refreshingly direct, funny and loving. She was a person drawn outside the lines. I think Sandra's student Victoria Saelee (comments above) summed it up best: "she taught all her students the Spongebog theme song." I don't think I've ever laughed so hard while crying. We miss you Sandra.

[Angie]

Oh Willem, I'm so sorry and sad to hear this. Sandra was the most amazing person, I already miss her so much. We are here for you if you need anything at all.

[Aaron Solomon]

Autumn and I are in shock. Sandra is simply irreplaceable. We all know that she was more vital, more irreverent, more original, more loving, and just more goddamn FUN than we mere "normals." But only now am I beginning to fully comprehend the magnitude of her contributions. Sandra always made me feel like the most special person in the world, and I now understand that SHE was the special one, because she could create unbreakable bonds of friendship and love, in the most mundane (or even troubled) situations, and make it look impossibly easy. She stubbornly broke through our defenses, our insecurities, our sense of isolation, like a happy warrior with a battering ram and a crazy grin, and brought the joy of life in with her. She was an irresistible force, and she moved us all, according to her sly, benevolent plans.

Our hearts, although wounded by losing her, are stouter for having known her. Even counting our terrible grief, she left us in better condition than she found us. People who, like Sandra, have boundless love and enthusiasm, are rare and precious in this world. I feel honored to be among those she saw fit to befriend.

Our love and deepest sympathies go to Willem and Adriana. Willem, we couldn't have asked for a better husband for Sandra. We are comforted to know that Sandra spent her far-too-brief time in the companionship of a man of such commitment and character. Sandra deserved true love, and you gave it to her. We thank you for that.

To everyone in our circle of friends, feel free to call or email me. My number is (206) 498-1508, and my email address is aaronjsolomon@gmail.com. I'm still trying to figure out whether we can make it on Saturday. If so, see you then. If not, please keep in touch. We love and miss Sandra and would love to share memories with you.

--Aaron

[Heidi Weathers]

Willem, I am so very sorry. Words can't even begin to say how much my heart goes out to you and Adriana. Thinking of you and your family right now...and forever will be thinking of Sandra.

[Mandi]

Willem, I have never met your family. I found out about your wife through Allison's blog. But I've been following along for as long as you've kept this blog.

I'm so heartbroken to hear of Sandra's passing. I'm in tears reading of her death. Please know that I am thinking of you and your family. Hugs from a stranger who has been deeply touched by your wife and your family's story. Wishing there was more I could do. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Mark Iverson]

Willem -

I've been following this blog since Arie told me about it several months ago. Your writing conveys open honesty and love and hope and had me checking in on a regular basis. You do a fabulous job delivering Sandra's strength, tenacity, and personality to your readers.

It was with incredible sadness that I read your post on the 3rd. I would often update my wife with the latest news, and when I had to tell her about what I read a couple days ago it was hard to say it without getting choked up. You have my deepest sympathies. I am also happy to see the great amount of support you have.

I remember Sandra doing her best to set me up with one of her friends during the rehearsal of Arie's wedding. I don't think I was sure who she was at the time, given the atmosphere of pre-wedding chaos, but when I learned that you two were together I thought Willem is a lucky man. She delivered a perfect mix of good intentions and fun life-loving disregard for what other people thought.

You are right that the degree with which she fought this thing is a true testament to who she is. Again Willem, you have my most sincere condolences for your loss.

Mark

[Liz O'Connell]

How very blessed and fortunate I have been to know and work with Sandra. She was so honest and forthcoming in letting you know what she was thinking. I loved her laugh and the many good times we had at Wing Luke. You have all fought a valiant battle - my prayers and thoughts are with you, Willem, Adrianna and all of the family members and friends who will miss her. Liz O'Connell

[Charles Dean]

Dear Willem,

I don't know you but know of you and your family through James Cooper. I'm a Dad too and lost my mom years ago at an early age. I share your grief and thank you for sharing it with your daughter and all loved ones. You are not alone. With love, peace, and best wishes,

Charles Dean